so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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