we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
NoShamevember. You game?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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