Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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