I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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