I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
