if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
