I faked an abortion last night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
