2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
