My liver just broke up with me...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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