I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
