Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
