those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
