...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
