yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
