Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
