No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
