I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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