dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Where is the hickey?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.