the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello