wrigley field is MILF paradise
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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