The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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