I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
