I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
