Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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