I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize