I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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