I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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