if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
