If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
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I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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