You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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