made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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