I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
