worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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