david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
