I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The adults are the big ones right?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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