i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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