you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
