Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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