Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
