Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
