I wannas sexs uuuuu
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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