apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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