How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
