Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
