We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
