I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
