R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Drake has all the answers
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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