Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
