My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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