I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
