toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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