I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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