To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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