none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
