Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
