i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
