Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
