I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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