Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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