we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
